For a long time in my life I didn’t have goals or ambitions, my only concern was finding that next drink or drug that blew my head off or how I was going to get myself out of yet another tricky situation. This year, however, is the first time for as long as I can remember that I have had a really positive outlook upon my future and been genuinely excited about life.
The only goal that will never change for me is that daily goal of staying clean and sober, this goal is the foundation of my world now and without which none of my other goals would be possible. It’s such a simple pleasure to be able to look forward and one in which I am reveling in, I can’t tell you what a refreshing change it is from only ever thinking about where that next drink was coming from. When I stopped drinking I thought things would improve instantly but that obviously wasn’t the case, if anything things initially got worse but sometimes in life you need to go further down to then go further up. When I drank, I drank to make myself a better Husband, Son, Friend, Person, to be a better dancer, the list goes on. How delusional I was – and not just because nothing could make me a better dancer! On the subject of dancing I realized today that I have never once danced sober –maybe that should be another goal for this year?
If I’m honest it still bothers me that I’ll never be able to drink again, not because I miss it, it would just be nice to be able to not have that concern hanging over me. The difference now is my understanding of what will happen if I go back the way, the better life gets the more I have to lose. The point in life I’ve reached now is one where I enjoy myself without drinking, particularly on holiday where my appreciation of being away with Mrs W has reached new heights. It’s a nice contrast from the lies of past holidays where I did everything from lie about where I’d been to stealing money from the safety deposit box and blaming someone else – it all came too easily.
Lying was always a huge part of my addiction. I could about pretty much anything to get myself out of trouble, but dare challenge my lies and I was off on one again, away to drink, fight or even threaten to kill myself. The threats of suicide are still very much a sore point, to put Mrs W in a position where she didn’t know if I was serious or not is quite shameful. On one occasion I threatened to throw myself off the Erskine bridge (it’s big), I’d actually nearly reached the bridge and in my head I was definitely going to jump but Mrs W appeared alongside me in the car and told me to stop being so stupid and that we can work things out. I would threaten suicide a lot but only a handful of times did I actually mean it, generally it was just a means of getting out of a situation. I find it very hard to look back at those times, I hated myself so much that I genuinely believed no one would care if I was dead or alive. I knew how loved I was and how much those around me cared but day by day I was dragging them through some dark places and I honestly thought they’d all be better off. Today my Wife and my Parents are my world, I’m not quite sure how they survived life with the old me.
Moving forward, I am looking for a new house which I think will be the final piece of the jigsaw. When I feel down and out of sorts it usually stems from the house, it’s played host to far too many of my worst moments. It was also supposed to be our ‘5 year house’ but 14 years later we’re still here.
I’m feeling really content at the moment, but I recognize the importance of continuing to move forward and so that’s what I’ll strive to do.
Onwards and upwards.