Where I’m At.

Where I’m At.

As I start to write this blog I am strangely nervous. Generally when I get nervous I just stop doing it, but not today. I’m writing this blog whilst lying poolside in Lanzarote and being on holiday is always one of the biggest obstacles to my sobriety, thankfully, writing always seems to help.

A lot of good things have been happening in my life recently. However, with the good stuff has came some new pressures that I’ve never experienced since getting sober four years ago and frankly things have taken me by surprise. I thought I was past all these new feelings and the fear that they bring, however, they scare me as much today as they did way back when.

I recently got a big promotion at work and the elation I felt when I was offered the job was a far better high than any drink or drug. Then came the phase of ‘I really don’t think I’m good enough to do this job’ and then the ‘I can’t do this job’ followed by ‘I have made a huge mistake’ – all within just a few hours of the offer haha.
A few weeks in I’m still finding the transition difficult as the new challenges that come with the job have knocked my mental health a bit. My moods have been all over the place and I regularly have that feeling of ‘I can’t cope’ and strangely find myself seeking out some form of impending doom. Unfortunately when I’m like that a drink is never too far from my mind. I felt particularly down recently and tried to figure out where this dip had come from. There were numerous examples I could pinpoint, from my walking and exercise taking a backseat to finding out I need back surgery (I’ll get to that shortly). I also stopped speaking to friends and family about how I was feeling as I felt like I didn’t want to bother them and that I was just being daft – although I really should know better by now. The phrase I used to tell myself was ‘it’ll be better tomorrow’ but it didn’t feel better because I wasn’t actually dealing with the problem. Yet again, I was letting my pride affect my mental health by not asking for help. When will I learn?

I’ve been in this position plenty of times before and I know what helps and yet I find it difficult to reach out and ask friends for a chat or head out for a walk with the dog. I recently started to go walking again and felt that it was a huge help. I also started to play footy again but the talking thing strangely still alludes me. When I eventually open up, the individuals I talk to all say ‘you should’ve come to me sooner’. Believe me, I wish I could but it’s the hardest thing for me to do. Even when I start opening up I generally stop quite abruptly as I begin to think that I’m wasting someone’s time.

Mrs W and I have recently bought a new house and are due to move in November. We’re staying with my parents just now because our house sold quickly, and as you can imagine this brings its own challenges for both parties haha. I hated the old house as I had so many bad memories that any good ones were long forgotten about. Buying a new house for me is a sign that my recovery is going well and that I should be super proud of myself, but as many of you know I really struggle with giving myself praise of any kind. Even today, I still don’t feel like I deserve it, which in itself is again down to my mental health. I’m still pushing good stuff away which is really frustrating but I really struggle to allow myself get overly excited. I honestly wish I could be excited, perhaps I’m just scared of going backwards? This new house is more than just a house for me and another new beginning for Mrs W and I to make new memories – good ones this time.

I recently found out that the back pain I have suffered from for years is actually worse than first thought and is actually arthritis that requires surgery. I’ve had numerous CT injections which aren’t pleasant at all, unfortunately these didn’t work. The doctors then gave me some strong pain killers which worked slightly… but knocked me out. That’s a dangerous thing if you’ve have been down the road that I have with addiction. A very familiar sense of panic would come over me if I didn’t have the painkillers with me, just like if I had ran out of money for alcohol back in the day. I went to the Doctors to explain, but again that bloody pride reared its head again and I couldn’t even tell him what I was feeling and so I walked out of the doctors with a prescription for the drug that 5 years previous I had tried to commit suicide with. I tried it for a week but my head couldn’t cope and I binned them.

In spite of all of that, I am in an extremely happy place right now with so many good things happening. Here’s hoping I can rediscover excitement.

G

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7 Comments

  1. Ryan
    October 23, 2017 / 12:13 am

    Thanks for sharing. I’m in recovery myself and read your blog from time to time. I enjoy your writing. You have a lot going on right now. Many positive things with the new promotion and the new job, but change always makes taking care of yourself that much harder. Remember to slow down and enjoy the good and don’t be afraid to find ways to voice your concerns to others whether it is here through the blog, through recovery groups or a trusted friend. Take care, you’ve inspired many with your journey!

    Ryan

    • grahamwilsonundrunk
      October 26, 2017 / 8:09 am

      Thanks Ryan this means a lot to me

  2. October 23, 2017 / 1:14 am

    Transitions often treacherous, but essential for growth. Enjoyed your description of the cornucopia of feelings that generally go unnoticed when using.

  3. Alicia
    October 23, 2017 / 6:42 pm

    You have come a long way in four years and deserve everything you have achieved. You and Mrs W both. Good luck and lots of love to you both. A new home a new job and lots of love xxxxx

  4. James T
    October 26, 2017 / 7:43 am

    “I thought I was past all these new feelings and the fear that they bring, however, they scare me as much today as they did way back when”

    For me, a very important part of your blog is how your story and your journey shows the human person behind the addiction. I get annoyed at those who have never experienced it thinking it is something that can be cured by the addict toughening up or just stopping. Similar to telling a person with depression to ‘cheer up’, it is insensitive, wrong and misguided.

    This entry emphasises that winning your daily battle of fighting your addiction is on top of the daily battles and mental issues that those of us lucky enough to not have your addiction have to face. Being open and honest about what we are going through with our loved ones or friends is scary and hard, but your experiences and blogs help to remind me of the importance of doing so.

    • grahamwilsonundrunk
      October 26, 2017 / 8:06 am

      Thanks for commenting it means a lot

  5. November 21, 2017 / 1:26 pm

    After meeting you via the blogging group I have to say its great to see your still staying on track and as I read your updates I cannot help feel a bit sad and wish this was a blog my son was doing,, he is spiralling out of control and I have never felt so helpless, nothing I say or do seems to get through to him..your posts give me hope that one day he might turn the corner before it is too late.. Keep up with the good work and congratulations all be it a bit late on your promoting and I wish you continued success in all that your working towards

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